Wanting to be a Mom

scary

2005-07-06T15:20:00.000+08:00

I woke up 2x last night from a painful pulikat. First was on my left leg, the other is on my right leg. Weird no? Anyway, aside from the pain, i also had a dream before finally waking up to join my husband for breakfast... Nakunan daw ako.

In my dream i didn't know yet that i'm preganant. And when i bleed, i realized that my period was like just a couple of weeks ago and not due for another couple of weeks more. That's when i realized i had a miscarriage.

When i woke up i told my husband that i dreamt nakunan ako. He said he also had a weird dream himself that night... nauubos daw ngipin nya. Pamahiin tells us that dreaming of falling/loosing teeth means death and the person who dreamt that should tell it first to a tree or a plant because whoever hears it first will die. Now i'm not really superstitious, but i think it's really scary of me dreaming that my unborn baby died and he dreaming of something that means (according to pamahiin) death. I know i shouldn't let myself worry on silly things like this. My husband would even scold me if he knows i'm a bit scared. But i can't lie to myself.. i got really (a bit) scared.

final cycle

2005-07-01T13:27:00.001+08:00

I had my ultrasound last Tuesday, June 28, and one dominant follicle was seen at my right ovary. It was 22mm and so my doctor and i decided to go on with pregnyl that day. Yesterday i went back for another ultrasound to check if the follicle burst. It did. So i ovulated yesterday. Following the schedule, my husband and i made love last night. I should have my period between July 14 to July 18, if not, it's time for a pregnancy test.

Anyway, since Armand and i decided to stop my workout after this cycle, we are also considering of changing doctors. I'm thinking of getting an endocrinologist na or someone who specilizes in fertility and not just an OB. But we'll continue with the hilot pa rin.

Hopefully my egg is still around tonight when we do another round of love-making :o)

Oh! and the follicle that didn't burst and caused me to have hyperstimulation? It was gone already :o)

daddy day

2005-06-20T17:42:00.000+08:00

It pains me that i cannot yet greet my husband happy father's day. Especially when i know that he longs to be a daddy already and i can see that he's going to be a very good father.

Princess, my inaanak is with my parents since three weeks ago. Her younger sister Camille was with her but has to get back home last week. Princess was left with my parents for now, minimum of 1 year ata since my parents enrolled her to a school near our place. These girls are very malambing probably because they long to feel loved and taken cared for but unfortunately their parents have problems. Anyway, tuwang-tuwa si Armand sa kanila. And the girls in return are also so fond of him that everytime we arrive or leave they would kiss and embrace Armand first. Armand kept saying sana pag nagkaanak kme kasing bait nila.

There were times na nagseselos na ko because when we're there, half of the time that my husband should be spending with me are given to these girls. Sana it's our kids na lang that he's spending time and playing with:o(
I know... i am bad.

hilot

2005-06-17T14:24:00.000+08:00

my husband and i went for a hilot last night with my friend (who introduced the hilot to me). It was a bit painful but not generally uncomfortable. Nanay Naty, the hilot, told us some sensible things such as i should avoid wearing high heels shoes and tight-fitting pants, avoid smoking and drinking alcohol and make love with my butt resting on a pillow and that we should come together when we make love... oh, and that i should limit my intake of rice and softdrinks. Generally i can do all that except limiting my food intake and smoking. But i will do my best.

Nanay Naty also let me borrow her novena to Our Lady of La Leche, patron of mothers and wanting to be mothers. She said i should give it back to her when i get pregnant. She also said that she received a message that someone is about to get pregnant. They said it might be me... SANA! Where the message came from, i didn't ask. But she seem to be a religious person. There's santo (images and pictures of the Blessed Mother, Jesus and other saints) all around her house.

Armand also have no bad feelings about Nanay Naty and that's good because it is important for me that whatever we do, we both believe in it. Armand is so supportive. He said he'll be with me when i go for a hilot every month.

Anyway, i am supposed to take clomid starting yesterday but i missed it so i am starting today. I texted my doctor verifying the dosage, she texted back that i should take 3 doses this cycle. Armand and i got worried because i took 2 doses last cycle and look what happened. So we decided to just take 2 doses again this month. Kunyari i didn't receive her text message.

Again, i'm having a good feel for this cycle. Hoping it is the cycle that would give us our baby. Ey, we gotta stay positive through all these exercises.

... and it came

2005-06-15T11:31:00.003+08:00

My period came today. i shouldn't be disappointed since i was aware that my biggest follicle didn't burst thus no egg to fertilize. but still, i was hoping for a miracle. another cycle starts today.

We went to batangas last monday para meki-fiesta. It was fun being with my cousins again and seeing old relatives again. but it it pissed me when they start asking why we're not pregnant yet. one cousin even commented to armand... "ang hina mo naman". it hurts because she knows our/my situation. to embarass my husband like that is not nice. buti na lang my husband is sport. he didn't even mind. maybe because he is secure with himself. i love that about him.

i'll go to hilot on saturday and probably try acupuncture next week. hopefully this is the magic cycle for us. i'm still hopeful. besides, we've only been seriously trying for 6 months now :o)

what's next?

2005-06-14T13:47:00.000+08:00

It's June 14. My doctor predicted that i should have my period by June 13 and if it didn't come until June 16, i have to get back to her and we'll check if i'm pregnant. I want to have a positive look at this because until now my hasn't come. But i can't be positive because even my doctor can't be certain that i ovulated this cycle and it could mean a really long cycle if i didn't. I mean i had as long as 60-day cycle when i don't ovulate. But then again, i hope i did ovulate after all. My husband and i had been having some really good sex this past few days... i hope it was fruitful after as well.

Anyway, when my period do arrive this week, i plan to visit someone for hilot. I mean, it won't hurt if i try several approaches in getting pregnant all at the same time noh? I also plan to try acupuncture. I read somewhere that it may help in normalizing hormones thus helping girls like me to ovulate. I'll just have to try these things when i have my period para sure that i'm not pregnant.

But above all else, we'll continue to pray... for our own little miracle/gift.

the waiting starts...

2005-05-31T13:54:00.000+08:00

Just came from my check-up. The large follicle is still there though it's not getting bigger so my doctor said we'll just wait for now. And everybody knows waiting is the hardest part! My period daw should arrive between June 13-16. If it doesn't i'll get back to her for another checking of the follicle. Hopefully it will recede by itself.

My dear husband is as supportive as ever. I was feeling so guilty yesterday because aside from the expenses from this workout, he might be starting to feel bad and hopeless. But he lovingly asured me that everything will be ok and that he's with me all the way. If he is not as understanding and as loving as he is, i know i would start becoming sooo depressed by now.

It's funny how we try not to get pregnant before we get married, and now we can't wait to have a baby. But i still believe God will give us children (madami, di lang isa). Siguro HE's still preparing us. If only i know what i need to do to be prepared. sigh:o\

hyper-stimulation

2005-05-30T13:58:00.000+08:00

It's been ages since i posted. I've been busy last week.

Anyway, i had my check-up last Saturday, CD16, and i had 1 large follicle (30mm). My doctor injected me with pregnyl again to stimulate egg release. I went back to her this morning to see if it was successful only to find out that it's still there. Though it did not grew more, it's still there! My doctor wants to see me again tomorrow to monitor. She said if it doesn't burst until tomorrow, i might be facing ovarian hyperstimulation. So i search the internet on this.. and what i found out is very disturbing, at least for me.

This OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) happens when the ovaries are overly stimulated via drugs such as clomid and pregnyl (which i'm taking). Symptoms include bloating, mild to moderate abdominal pain, weight increase, nausea, low urine, constipation, etc. Though majority of cases resolves itself in 5-10 days, there is still 1% chance of needing hospitalization.

Now that's what i am afraid of. I don't want to be hospitalized. Though my husband and my doctor are positive that i'll be ok, i still feel a little scared. I just hope this condition would resolve itself soon.

undertime

2005-05-19T15:40:00.000+08:00

I'm going home early today.. as in after i post this.

My husband is waiting for me at Glorieta and we plan to go home agad so we could have some rest. I'm pretty excited. I still get excited when i think of my husband, when i see him for the fist time after leaving the office, when we cuddle at night, when he kiss me good morning when he wakes up and in many other times. And though i want to spend more time with him, with our current schedule, it's impossible. So everytime there's a chance for us to be together earlier like today, we grab it.

Gotta go now. My love is waiting:o)

keeping a journal

2005-05-18T15:56:00.000+08:00

I've been blogging for more or less a month now. He.he.he. As if i post everyday. Anyway, it was only yesterday that i decided to inform friends that i have a blog. Only a couple of my friends knew before yesterday. I wonder if anyone visited already.

My good friend who is a blog addict is the only one who replied to my email (announcement). She was just glad that i started a blog. And she asked me if i'm sure about my blog address, what if i get pregnant already?

Later i mention that to my husband. He said ok pa din because having a child is not automatically being a mom. It's how you are with your kids and husband. And we both agreed that keeping a journal while trying to concieve is a good idea since we'll be able to look back at how we cope with our situation, how we prepared for our gift, and how i really become a good mommy (because i know i will:o).

sexy & i know it

2005-05-17T13:47:00.000+08:00

I woke up with a headache because of lack of sleep. Brownout happened to our village last night. But still, i made extra effort to look good. My boss commented on my effort. He said i not only look pretty today, but also slimmer. I texted my husband: "naku love, sexy ako today kaya sana maaga ka later para ma-enjoy mo ;0)" He replied: "pinag-kasya mo na naman yung palda mo." It is true, i can barely move in this skirt:0) But he'll see, I'll make him beg tonight:0)

I really think i'm losing weight from all the sweat i'm releasing everyday. ey, a girl needs to stay positive inspite of everything!

opps! missed again

2005-05-16T17:42:00.000+08:00

My period came last Friday. Today, it's already so little like i'm just spotting. So the whole cycle starts again. Cycle 4... on going.

I would have been depressed that day had my husband (Armand) was not beside me. Yep! we spent the whole day together (we both called for a leave) at home. We watched TV, sleep, eat, sleep, watch TV, eat, sleep and in the middle of all these, we cuddle.

On Sunday, we reached a new goal: Have our own house! See, my bestfriend moved to a new house last Sunday and of course Armand and i helped out. He was the handyman, i'm giving the moral support thing. It made us realize that we also want and need our own space. So i suggested that after cycle 5 and we're not yet pregnant, we'll take a break and focus on getting our own place first. He agreed!

It could have been another factor why i'm not as depressed as the start of the other cycles. I know we'll have our baby in God's time anyway. And we need to prepare.

baby blues

2005-05-11T18:33:00.002+08:00

An officemate's baby is crying nearby, and i feel sad. This officemate got married 1 week after i did and they're now displaying their honeymoon baby in our office.

It's my cycle day 33 and my period still hasn't arrived. I don't know whether to feel excited or not because i don't want to be disappointed (again). I promise myself not to let this baby-making pressure me anymore. That i'll leave it all to God. But the last few days of the cycle is the most difficult part. And i know the stress is the reason why my period comes late despite my medication. But i don't know how to avoid being stressed up during this part of my cycle. And seeing a baby i know was made from a honeymoon is not helping.

But i'll get through this... again. I always do. And that's thanks to God and to my loving husband.

Happy Mommy Day!

2005-05-10T12:02:00.000+08:00

I just have to let a couple of days pass by before i greet all mothers out ther Happy Mother's Day. Nothing wrong except May 8 also happens to be our wedding anniversary, and a good friend's birthday.

Ok, so i was a bit sad because people still can't greet me happy mommy day. But i'm over that now. I know i'll become a mommy within the year or at least before our next wedding anniversary.

I'm waiting for my period to come. It should arrive any day now. I'm not actually waiting for it to arrive but i also don't want to be disappointed should it arrive. Hay! i can feel the symptoms already. This week is going to be a long week.

right size, right time

2005-04-25T17:54:00.000+08:00

Today is cycle day 17. I had my check-up and ultrasound this morning. My right ovary has 2 dominant follicles, one is 17.5mm and the other is 23mm. Ideal size is between 18mm and 25mm. I had an injection of pregnyl also today to help release the mature egg from the follicle. The rupture will happen within 24 to 48 hours. Hopefully we get it in on just the right time. As they say, it's all in proper timing.

I have my hopes up for this cycle:o) Gotta stay positive!

cough syrup anyone?

2005-04-21T14:50:00.000+08:00

I have never been fond of drinking medicines. Not that i can't swallow the pills or can't take the taste of the syrup-type ones. It's just that i don't want to take anything that is not prescribed by a doctor. I would usually let myself suffer headaches and discomfort from colds and flu than take some over-the-counter drug. So, the only time i take meds (aside from vitamins) is when it is prescribed.

Recently, i read an article that says clomid may have a tendency to make the cervical mucus hostile or dry for the sperm to swim in. And that Robitussin (the cough syrup) is good in taming mucus - including cervical mucus. Well i, being a little impatient to be pregnant would try almost anything (including taking 2 teaspoon of Robitussin 3x a day for 10 days around my expected time of ovulation), asked my husband last night to buy me a big bottle of Robitussin. Good thing i really have a cough:o)

After dinner i braced myself to drinking the said cough syrup because i have many bad memories of them in general. After the dreadful 1st teaspoon i realized it wasn't so bad and did not have a hard time convincing myself to take the next teaspoon.

I had taken 3 doses since last night. I think i can do it for the next week or so. Thank you, Lord! Maybe the manufacturers of cough syrup has finally realized they need to do something about its taste. Or maybe it's me. Maybe i have outgrown most of my taste buds over time (or over many cigarettes). Oh well, i'm just glad this won't be another set of things i need to endure for a baby.

time for some bed-xercise

2005-04-20T14:50:00.000+08:00

Cycle day 12. Starting today until the end of the month, my husband and i will have to do some serious workout in bed. Not that i'm complaining because i tell you, i enjoy every moment of our love making. But it can be stressful sometimes especially when you're expecting for something to happen out of it... like get pregnant for example.

What i don't want to happen is for us to do it because it's the right time. I don't want to lose the magic of our love-making to the pressure of baby-making. But i can't help but hope, everytime we do it on certain prescribed time, that this time we'll get pregnant. And it's just that! It kills the magic.

Good thing my husband knows how to keep my mind off other things when we're doing it. He makes me look forward to our schedules with excitement :o)

fertility workout

2005-04-18T15:12:00.000+08:00

I'm on my 3rd cycle with clomid and waiting for this cycle's ovulation. Hopefully i won't need hcg injection this time. I had that injection during my first cycle of clomid to facilitate rapture of my follicle (ovultation). My second cycle did not help in follicle maturation. That is why i need to double my dosage of clomid. Hopefully, this cycle would result to pregnancy.

My husband and i will be celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary next month and everyone (family and friends) are all asking why we're not pregnant yet. It did not bother us before until i was diagnosed with PCOS. And now, questions like that only adds to my stress of trying to concieve. I mean, i can't just tell everybody who asked about the fertility workout we're going through. Good thing i have a very supportive and loving husband. I don't know what i would have done without him.

I'm keeping my hopes up for this cycle. My greatest fear since high school is not to be able to have children. I don't want to think and believe that my fear is coming true. Please God, no.